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I don’t know why I feel the need to share the following but today it hit me pretty strongly that I do. Also, after typing it out this initially sounds like a vent but it’s not, like at all.
“You’re lucky you’re pretty because ____” fill in the blank to say whatever negative trait someone has ever attempted to smother within a backhanded compliment. For me, I was told all throughout high school: “You’re lucky you’re pretty because you aren’t smart.”
I’ve told people comments like this have been said to me before, but I’ve never written it out and seen it staring me in the face. I wish I were being dramatic right now, but statements like this were said to me often. A guy even texted me once “10 Reasons I Have a Crush on You,” and legitimately said, “I like you because you’re not that smart which makes me feel even more smart.” In fact, I’m sure several people who said this to me will see my social media post and not even realize they were one of the people who said this to my face back in high school.
As that wee high schooler, being told I wasn’t smart obviously impacted me a lot. I’ve been told I was “blonde at the roots” (another issue, not going to be discussed here) by my brothers my whole life and I’m aware I am ditzy. However, being “stupid” was my biggest insecurity throughout high school, especially with the added layer that basically everybody is insecure about their physical appearance (especially during teenage years). So I felt that not only were people telling me I’m “lucky to be pretty,” which wasn’t something I believed myself, but in addition to that my friends who should know me and my heart thought I was stupid. In college, my friends didn’t say this to my face, but I could tell several of them thought it by the way they exchanged looks or talked down to me (or hearing them say it to my friends behind my back).
I won’t go into how beauty really doesn’t matter and how this is a prime example of how people actually thought telling me I was stupid was made okay by telling me I was pretty, that’s just a side note for now. The point of this article, I think, is that something else a teacher said to me in high school was that seed that helped me grow out of feeling so hurt by statements regarding my intelligence.
I started a new high school junior year and everyone gave an introductory presentation. These presentations were a big part of our grade (I think) and were about 10 minutes long each, if I remember correctly. After my speech, my English teacher’s feedback to me was something along the lines of: “I can tell you’re intelligent by the way you speak and the vocabulary you use.”
I will never ever forget that! That’s when I realized, who cares what stupid high schoolers who probably have worse grades than me think, when my adult, experienced, mature ENGLISH TEACHER can “tell” I am “intelligent.” When she told me that as a sixteen year old, I felt seen for the first time. I started realizing it didn’t matter so much if my peers talked down to me, when my teacher clearly saw something in me.
Presently, I easily crack jokes about being dumb all the time. It’s not out of being self-deprecating, but more about making the other person aware that I know my mouth moves faster than my mind. The difference now is I know I’m smart, and that’s all I need in order to create my own success.
It’s so easy to believe or focus on the mean things people say to us. However, when I step outside of myself to take a look at the people who are making positive or negative remarks to my face, there’s typically a pattern on the kind of people who make the negative ones compared to the positive ones. I have honest friends who build me up. Just today my friend described herself as “blunt,” which she is, but she also understands my personal limits and her goal is never to hurt me. Her raw honesty comes from caring. I stay far away from people who tear me down all under the guise that they're "just brutally honest."
Typically, the people making uncalled for and rude remarks carry traits of insecurity and immaturity; this is the main pattern I have personally noticed. The person who makes kind or motivating remarks typically has admirable character and success. They are someone worth trusting. Let that sink in. Why care about what insecure and immature people think, when admirable and successful people think something better?
I know how difficult it is to let go of the cruel statements people have made to us throughout our lives. Try to just keep in the back of your mind that everybody has an opinion about everything, so be mindful of whose opinions of you impact you the most. As Dr. Seuss (a Pisces, mind you) said: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
And, I think it's worth adding: You’re lucky you’re pretty, because you’re also smart and kind and capable. You’re lucky because you’re the whole package. But you know what? That’s not even luck. You’re not lucky at all; you’re a remarkable person, and you’re you because you’ve worked hard to be you.
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