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Once Upon a Time, I spat depressive monologues into the abyss of Tumblr with a blog titled “Choose Happiness.”
Ahh, the irony. I was attempting to fight mental illness with toxic positivity.
There is a clear distinction between natural, human emotions and mental illness. The DSM 5 — the handbook used by mental health professionals — defines a “mental disorder” as "usually associated with significant distress in social, occupational, or other important activities. An expectable or culturally approved response to a common stressor or loss, such as the death of a loved one, is not a mental disorder. Socially deviant behavior… and conflicts that are primarily between the individual and society are not mental disorders unless the deviance or conflict results from a dysfunction in the individual, as described above."
A mental illness has also been described to me by several mental health professionals as a “chemical imbalance.” Someone suffering from mental illness is not just choosing it over joy. It doesn’t work that way.
I’m going to challenge those who do not suffer from a mental disorder to consider whether or not they have experienced any of the following emotions:
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Worry
Despair
Hopelessness
Indecisiveness
Passivity/Boredom
Feeling Overwhelmed
Confusion
If you don’t struggle with mental illness and you claim you haven’t experienced all of the above emotions at some point in your life, you’re lying to yourself.
All humans feel fear. In fact, fear acts as a warning. It serves the important purpose of alerting us to danger. Anger reminds us of our boundaries. When you’re overwhelmed you’re reminded that you may need a break. When you worry you’re reminded you care deeply.
I never want to hear someone who doesn’t struggle with mental illness claim ignorance when people discuss their mental illness. “Choosing happiness” isn’t a choice for those suffering from mental illness, but turning a blind eye because you “haven’t experienced mental illness and therefore do not understand” is a choice. You’re choosing ego over empathy.
As someone who lives with major depressive disorder and experiences trauma related anxiety, I’m calling your bluff! This is one of those unique times where you can reach into a well of empathy and discover at least a glimpse into how others feel.
Anxiety is excessive fear, worry and panic. Depression is a range of despair, hopelessness, sadness, passivity, anger, and confusion. To put it in very simple terms — as mental illness is more complex than this — various mental illnesses are regular emotions you feel, but intensely magnified. Instead of experiencing sadness and then anger, oftentimes a depressed mind experiences several of these heavy emotions at once, preventing a person from living an otherwise “normal” life.
Sometimes I wake up feeling heavy and hurt but I don’t have a reason for it, which adds confusion and shame to the mix. Emotions are typically a response with a reason attached to it; mental illness? Not always.
Additionally, people who don’t struggle with mental illness also act irrationally. That’s another human emotion we all share. For example; it’s irrational to think you should be happy all the time. Life isn’t about choosing happiness. A piece of the path to personal peace is mastering your emotions through honoring them.
Mental illnesses are just that -- an illness of the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, are gifts.
It is unfair to offer your “logical insight” or “positive perspective” to a person who is processing their pain (natural human emotions or mental illness). Let people feel sad. As human beings, we are going to feel sad. It’s part of the deal. We are going to experience worry, and fear, and anger, and despair, and loneliness. A depressed or anxious mind does understand logic, so pointing out where they are being potentially illogical is harmful since that isn’t the point. These minds likely already feel a sense of shame for experiencing potentially “unjustifiable” emotions. Putting more pressure on telling them to “just be logical” hurts more than anything.
Something therapists are taught is to meet people at their emotion first. “Emotional communication" is a completely different language from "logical communication." While I am absolutely not encouraging anyone to act as a professional, there is something to meeting people at their emotions first. The best way to effectively communicate with someone is through responding with the language you have initially been met with. If someone expresses to you how they feel, you cannot productively communicate with them through answering with logic. It just won't work.
If you don’t struggle with mental illness and feel your “brutal honesty” is more important than just being a decent person; this paragraph is for you. You don’t have to agree with a person’s behavior to validate the way they feel. You don’t have to agree with a person’s behavior in order to be a support for them. And, if you are unable to understand their actions after practicing empathy and compassion, do not comment on their actions.
A good rule of thumb is not to comment on a person’s actions unless they ask, are in danger, or are dangerous to others. It’s possible to say “You have every right to feel hurt,” and simply stop there. You do not need to go on to explain “You have every right to be hurt but the way you responded was wrong because of ____.” Obviously, this doesn’t apply to a situation where someone’s actions backed by emotions have harmed you or someone else in some way. This is a simple rule of thumb for general vulnerable conversations.
Here’s where “toxic positivity” comes back in. Toxic positivity can be defined as “the concept that keeping positive, and keeping positive only, is the right way to live your life. It means only focusing on positive things and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions.”
I am going to reiterate how valuable, important, human and beautiful emotions are. Having a negative opinion or emotion is good. If you don't allow yourself to think critically about things that bother you, something is wrong! Nobody should feel happy all the time. It isn’t healthy.
My toxic positivity folk are almost understanding a positive tool for mental illness, but we aren’t quite there yet. First, I ask these people to acknowledge why they are “choosing happiness” all the time, or in other words: Why are you refusing to feel anything other than joy? Why are you refusing to allow yourself a complete human experience? Why are you burying human emotions with fake rainbows and butterflies? Burying human emotions is a sign of emotional immaturity, attachment issues, and more. Burying emotions is not healthy. Compartmentalizing them to process later? That’s a different story, but not the topic here.
As an adult, I do not understand the Quest for Happiness. (I mean, side note, aren’t there several more important and fulfilling paths to embark on?). The path does not end when you have figured out the secret to being numbed by joy. You get to experience and re-experience joy over and over, with more emotions and feelings thrown in! That, to me, is a journey worth taking.
I used to say I would fake it ‘til I made it when it came to joy because joy had an infectious domino effect that I wanted to lead the charge on. It was an honorable, teenage cause. It wasn’t realistic or as helpful as I thought, though. I realized pretending like I was happy all the time gave off the impression that my life was perfect, and so perfection was achievable. I also had a hard time being taken seriously when I was hurting, and often felt I didn’t have the option to be less cheerful than usual without people making it a big deal. One friend said she felt something was wrong with her because she wasn’t as happy as I was. Nothing is wrong with you if you’re not cheerful all the time!
While it is true that joy can be infectious, feeding into toxic positivity doesn’t encourage human connection. Yes, I am still an upbeat, joyful person. I value my peppy personality, I like to laugh, and I appreciate my ability to lighten the mood. I will be silly and not take everything seriously. People don’t have to know the inner workings of my mind and heart at all times. However, I don’t let this translate into my private world, and I allow myself to express negative opinions and emotions at times. If I’m not in a peppy mood I won’t apologize for it. (Well… that last part is a work in progress, but I’ll get there).
As a human being, it is my right to have opinions. Having a less than favorable opinion on something doesn’t make me a Negative Nancy. It means — wait for it —I’m human.
You’re not “negative” if you don’t like olives. You’re just a person who doesn’t like olives. When you meet someone who doesn’t like olives, your gut instinct isn’t to say “Wow, how negative. Olives make so many people happy and it’s really close minded and negative of you to think they taste bad when they’re actually super yummy. You should really look on the bright side, more.”
That would be bizarre, right? When someone expresses their opinion, if it’s negative, that’s not just fine, it’s normal.
This isn’t to say some people make it a point to express their disgusts and critiques too regularly. This is just as harmful as pretending you’re happy all the time. You’re not edgy or unique because you are so above everyone else and see the glass half empty. If you only look on the bright side always and ever you will likely become ignorant and insensitive; if you only think about all the things you hate, it in turn is bound to make you a miserable person… not smarter or deeper. A “Choose Joy!” personality buries all of their uncomfortable emotions;” a “glass half empty” personality is chasing away their positive ones. Neither are productive.
A tool therapists use for those who struggle with mental illness, self-doubt, even excessive negativity not tied to a mental disorder is “cognitive reframing.”
With cognitive reframing, the goal is to help patients center their emotions and thoughts. It counters negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Remember, though: this is not the same as toxic positivity. Toxic positivity shuts down negative emotions. Cognitive reframing acknowledges and validates emotions while also opening up your mind to new perspectives; additionally, it is best to be practiced with a professional and on a personal level. Please do not use your toxic positivity to try and give advice to someone who is just seeking comfort. Cognitive reframing is like a balancing act; you find the calm in the storm when you look at all of your options.
When I was in trauma therapy, one of my points of frustration was that I didn’t want to share my trauma with my parents, but I had tried to express my symptoms of major depressive disorder with them and to seemingly no avail. I shared how I felt that they didn’t listen to me when I expressed my pain, and also didn’t listen when I expressed what I felt was best for me at the time. I will never forget my therapist's response:
“It’s so frustrating when you know yourself better than anyone and they don’t seem to understand that! You are over here knowing this is the best choice for you because of [reasons], while your mom is states away and all she knows is that the best way she can help you is through [reasons that are different from yours].”
Something clicked. Both my mom’s and my perspective were valid. She wasn’t out to get me. She wasn’t purposely misunderstanding me. She was also suffering and trying to tackle something difficult in the best way she knew how. Had my therapist instead said “Emilie, your mom loves you and you should really give her the benefit of the doubt. You’re being a bit unreasonable,” I likely would’ve gotten a new therapist. And, if you’re like this with your friends, they're likely going to seek out a new friend at some point (rightfully so).
This was an important lesson for me to learn, and I continue to apply it to my life. I honor my emotion, then I challenge it with another perspective.
A simple way to practice cognitive reframing is to counter a simple negative thought with a positive one. Here's an example of a mini conversation you might have with yourself:
“I am such a loser. I’m so bad at everything I do.”
“Hey, I see you’re feeling insecure today. Your cat is alive and well because of all you do to take care of her! See, you aren’t bad at everything.”
The more you counter negative thoughts, the easier it will be over time. I emphasize this is not meant to bury negative emotions. It’s meant to exercise your ability to process them and move forward in a healthy way. It gives your mind all of the information in order to make a well-rounded response on how to take action. Also, practicing cognitive reframing personally or with a therapist is vastly different from shutting down a friend’s negative emotions with your “logical” positive perspective. Be a pal, not a professional.
Where toxic positivity is an insensitive attempt to force down uncomfortable emotions (and it comes with dangerous repercussions such as ignored trauma), cognitive reframing will challenge a person to look at several angles of a problem, especially when painful emotions become too difficult to bear. As a human being, you come with a beautiful range of emotions. Allow your mind and body to naturally flow through these emotions.
If you’re in the same boat as me and that boat seems to be sinking right now, please know you are not a waste of space. You’re wonderful, and I promise you can get through this. This is NOT your fault.
A list of helplines you can contact can be found here.