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I have been obsessed with makeup since before I was a toddler. I know this because in the home video of my second birthday, I received a purse and a Chapstick, and to say I was delighted is an understatement. I nearly ate that Chapstick.
While loving my beauty products and expressing myself through bright turquoise eye shadow, I also recognize the unfortunate aspects of this industry and am a huge advocate of the importance of complimenting people for their minds and hearts over their physical appearance. However, I found more positivity in this presumed anti-feminist environment, than I did among self-proclaimed feminists who spent a vast majority of their time arguing on Twitter.
So, when I took a bit of a break from the beauty industry during my college years, – sleeping in late and actually showing up to class became priority to me – I instead became involved in the feminist environment on Twitter. I enveloped myself in this supposed sister-supportive culture, retweeting that “Men are trash” and that women were far more superior. As you can probably imagine, that environment was a negative one.
I wanted to be BFF's with these feminists of Twitter. I thought they were everything I aspired to be. However, while I didn’t Tweet “men are trash” Tweets myself, I noticed that the women I followed were empowered through their mob mentalities. Which, I get. When you are treated so poorly for centuries, you begin to resent those who aided the hurting, and your empowerment turns into a superiority complex.
I’d like you to stop here for a second, and attempt to empathize with women who feel this way. Fighting to be seen is not fun, or easy, or just a band-wagon. It’s hard and draining. While this mob mentality isn’t helpful for equality in the long-haul, I understand it. Instead of complaining about it, as a man, I ask you to choose to change that view by being a decent person who treats all women with human decency, and to be sensitive to our hardships. It will take time, and it’s not easy, either. But, small steps, right?
Anyway, amidst this political environment, full of angry women, were petty Twitter fights. The same women tweeting #GirlPower were the ones not only bringing men down, but bringing each other down. If you didn’t see eye to eye on every political issue – that was it, you were out. You didn’t deserve kindness or respect. I became incredibly anxious, constantly wondering why girls didn’t like me. I am obsessed with my girlfriends, and have always taken pride in being a good one.
I remember one particular stinging interaction I had with a woman whom I once passionately stood up for and supported. I reached out to her when she was in a time of need, and shared personal and spiritual aspects of my sexual assault with her.
Overtime, she and I had a few more interactions where she and her friends blatantly disagreed with me on some of my views. A few months after I had initially shared my experience with her, I lent her more support. She thanked me for being an “ally” to those who have suffered sexual trauma. She had completely forgotten that I was a survivor, as well. This was a strong indication to me that maybe this particular bubble of feminism on Twitter didn’t really care about all women, because I would never forget something like that about a fellow survivor. She and her friends continued to treat me as if my experience didn’t allow me my own opinions. If I disagreed with them, I no longer mattered. And I had disagreed with them one too many times and found myself in the middle of an attack between this girl, her two best friends, and her large following.
After three days of on-and-off anxious crying, following that last attempt to stand up to these women I wanted so badly to befriend, my spouse near begged me to delete Twitter. I did, and now I know that girls don’t hate me. Instead of using our experiences as women to hype each other up positively, I notice these movements fail when they turn into a shame fest of moral superiority. Unfortunately, it seemed to me that that’s exactly what happened in my experience.
It took shutting out this world full of “women for women” to realize that I am of worth. The mob mentality I spoke of before doesn’t just hurt this necessary movement in how men are treated, but in how women are treated. I was spoken down to and disregarded. Despite my experience as a woman, if I was not of the same opinion, my experiences were swept aside, and I was treated like lesser. Since then, I’ve found other voices on Twitter – Feminist Next Door, I’m obsessed with you – and off Twitter – Jackie Aina, you are my Queen – who have only reinforced my decision to delete that account and find other truly uplifting feminist environments.
First, I found myself back on YouTube, watching makeup tutorials regularly, listening to beauty news and spending more time at Ulta partaking in swatch therapy. And, you know what? Women who like makeup are really nice!
This environment is full of women who wear full-coverage foundation and fake eyelashes on a daily basis, and are also social activists, fighting for beauty brands to cater to all skin tones. They are social activists for LGBTQ+ issues. There are male and transgender beauty influencers, exceedingly talented in makeup application. Influencers are of all shapes and sizes, and they found confidence in a coat of mascara, and now use their platforms to promote expression, self-love, and all kinds of “beauty.”
I had become judgmental of those who spent so much time on their appearance every day, when these women, who have different political views and who just really like makeup, are fighting the same battle – one highlight at a time.
Not only does this atmosphere fight its own battles, but makeup junkies are so nice to each other. Yes, there are trolls – but overall, comments consist of “Wow! You’re gorgeous!” “Super creative look!” “I loved this review, it was so thorough!” and “Thank you for making this video!” We all just sit there, complimenting each other. It is so refreshing.
I find it ironic that an industry we view as so set on bringing women down, women have turned into a positive. Yes, it has its flaws, as every movement does. But, YouTube doesn’t make me anxious. I love scrolling through video comments and *liking* compliment after compliment – these aren’t compliments aimed at me, either! I just love women supporting women. On the flip side, I used to scroll past Tweet after Tweet, full of anger and superiority, on top of anxiety that someone was going to analyze each and every one of my words before using them against me and make me feel bad about myself.
The purpose of this comparison is not to bring down the feminists of Twitter I had negative interactions with. This fight for respect is not easy, and nobody knows the “right” or “wrong” way to carry it out. At the end of the day, though, if you’re bringing anyone down in the name of feminism – specifically women – then you probably aren’t invested in the right battle. So, I’ll stick to my makeup tutorials. I’d rather have a spending problem than a compassion problem.
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