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Remember that icebreaker game where you give your name with an adjective, then people go in a circle saying everybody’s names and the last person knows everybody’s name by the end of the activity? My adjective was always “enthusiastic.” I was “Enthusiastic Emilie!” jazz-hands and all.
Some time between losing a job and a group of friends back in 2016, resulting in a newfound crippling social anxiety, and the present, I’m not sure I would still confidently use that word as my adjective. Yet.
I might cop to “Entertaining Emilie,” I’ve got some really insane and fun stories to tell. Another choice could be “Eccentric Emilie,” yes, I’m that self-aware. The most fitting adjective upon a quick “adjectives that start with e” Google search, though, is probably “Effected Emilie.” Because, I have been seriously negatively affected by life and found myself in a dark abyss.
It’s not quite depression that I’m explaining. My spouse’s pleas for therapy and medication during my months in a slump only gave me less hope, because sometimes a loss for enthusiasm is simply situational. Can a therapist really give me a job and force people to just be nice to me? Instead of a therapist this time, what could I do about it?
I’m not going to sit here and complain about all the wrongs that seemingly attacked me out of nowhere the past three years. And, this time, my advice isn’t going to tell you to make a Happy List. I’d done the lists. I’d bought the “happy books.” I’d trudged along and continued to try – but to no avail. I still looked around at my boring, unfulfilled life, and felt stagnant. I even still joke that I’m losing brain cells, because when you’re stagnant, you stop growing, and when you stop growing, you start shrinking.
For a 5’1” Santa’s Elf lookalike, shrinking even smaller than that is irritating. Feeling so small and meaningless in this big world full of opportunity makes every piece of existence lose its meaning.
So, I’m listening. You don’t have to be clinically depressed to have problems. If you feel small right now, I’m sure it is warranted, and I wish I could toss sunshine, rainbows, and an endless buffet of Café Rio in your direction. And, you know what else? I bet you deserve even more than that sweet pork salad. Whatever is going on right now isn’t your fault. It’s not anybody or anything’s fault.
Sometimes the Law of Attraction and Karma honestly seem so mixed up, right? Are you looking around for someone to love you, despite the love that so generously emanates from your spirit? Is it getting harder and harder to be yourself, even with the breathing exercises and the pep talks? Again, I’m listening. My parents weren’t kidding when they told me that life isn’t fair. Neither was Malcom.
While in this dark tunnel without any sign of light, life, or end; the oddest motivators inspired me.
The most prominent one in my mind is the underrated Disney film, Meet the Robinsons. While this eloquent movie always makes me cry, something hit me deep in my soul the most recent time I watched it. Nothing went that sweet orphan’s way for, how long was it? Almost thirteen years? And, Cornelius was a kid genius with amazing ideas and a sunny personality. He had so much good to offer the world. *Subtle spoiler alert* After learning the outstandingly positive way he would take his life, he came up with – Walt Disney’s, mind you – slogan, “Keep Moving Forward.”
That’s pretty easy to do after witnessing a grandeur world created by future you, but that corny little slogan just may have been the key insight to the reason I still have a desire to at least re-gain my complete enthusiasm for life.
Trudge on with those bricks on your back and bruises on your feet. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. Yes, it effing sucks. It’s almost like that song “Another One Bites the Dust” is about you, biting the dust over and over again, like Queen so annoyingly repeats in a song I’ve never liked by them – sorry not sorry.
It is so much easier for me to feel motivated when my life is full. Saying “yes” is more fun to me when I can fit it into a vibrant schedule than seeing it’s the only activity marked on my calendar. College was hard, and draining, and angering, and hurtful, and fulfilling. Change is easy for me, but not loss. For me, I find myself at a standstill when I lose friends, time, and work to do.
Why is it so easy to get things done when you have less time than it is when you have all the time in the world? What are the things you would do if you felt good about yourself? What's stopping you now?
I used to be a goal-getter. I’m not sure what happened, but somehow I became goal-loser. This year, I found myself making the same goals several times, and I can’t even contribute a check mark next to a single one of them.
This lack of self-fulfillment is what drives the tornado of continuing self-deprecating behavior and becoming a couch potato. Sometimes, we honestly just need someone to give us some good news that launches itself into a whirlwind of more good. I’m going to try to be that news-giver for you.
The good news is you are still here. I know, I know. This seems like terrible news. I know what it’s like wishing the bus wouldn’t see you in the crosswalk, or that you won't wake up. Being stuck here in this yucky situation is the reason you’ve lost any will to live. But, I promise you that it is good news. This is because you still being here shows me you do have a spark of enthusiasm for life somewhere within you. Now it’s time to grow that spark into the flame of passion you once proudly wore like a badge of honor, and turn that badge into a parade of humble triumph.
If there is something you have consistently been interested in learning or mastering, this standstill time is the best time to do it. Give yourself something to be proud of. Ask your brother if he can teach you how to play the guitar. Take up finger painting and let your painty fingers create something that’s probably really stupid, but fun to laugh at later. Actually go to that yoga class. When nothing is going your way, yank something good back your way, and master it.
Throw a temper tantrum. Go to a mountain top and shake your fist. Scream into your pillow. Cry a million tears in the shower while you gloomily watch your mascara drip into the drain and feel your stringy hair on your shoulders. We are meant to embrace our feelings. After you’re done acting like a two-year-old, (there’s an inner two-year-old in all of us, don’t get sheepish) go purchase an opal necklace and start putting positivity back into the world. Maybe Karma doesn’t have your back right now because she’s trying to turn you into your best self; which begins with being a self-starter.
I know enthusiasm will wax and wane. We live in a world that so often seems out to get us. Painful experiences are easy to bury behind a thick mansion of self-doubt and anxieties. Because of this eb and flow of passionate pursuits, the only honest to goodness truth there is to breaking out of it is to keep moving forward.
So get off your butt, execute a plan, and build something you can boast to your past self about later.
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