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Human nature is weird. It’s hard to pin down, classify and organize. Something we were born to feel yet taught to fight so therefore shove down is also something essential to our personal survival and success: loving ourselves.
A lot of problems — especially ones involving communication and understanding — boil down to people not loving themselves enough.
When we truly and purely love ourselves, we realize it doesn’t matter if others don’t like us. Yes, we should gauge peoples’ responses to us in order to understand proper social cues and limits. But do you want to know a secret? People who don’t like themselves aren’t too fond of people who do... and they are open about making it their personal mission to tear down those of us who do have a lot of self love. To be clear, "pride" is not synonymous with "love." Pride implies you think you're better than others. Love implies you simply think you are great and want to be better than past and current you!
You can argue that when you feel wronged and act out, you're doing it because of self love and feeling you deserve better. However, it’s a lot easier to move past something when we genuinely understand our worth. (Note: I want to make clear that I’m referring to people who just kinda generally suck, like people who are mean or don’t like you, not abuse).
This isn’t to say that standing up for yourself isn’t an act of love. Rather, it’s to show how standing up for yourself then letting it go when people hurt you is a larger act of love than seeking some sort of revenge. Thinking about someone hurting you is still giving them your energy. We aren’t here to go out of our way teaching others lessons, we are here to learn lessons on our own and experience human connection while doing so. Leave people who don’t see how great you are behind to worry about their own misery, because they aren’t encouraging your growth by being around you. If they have to be in your life, remember that people usually act out when they’re insecure. Truly, it’s not you; it’s them.
It’s easy to point fingers at people who turn the other cheek and call them “doormats.” The issue is that a doormat’s purpose is to be walked all over. A powerful person full of self love’s purpose is to move along to bigger and better things.
Once someone has reached the point of hurting others so they feel less bad about themselves, they’ve crossed a line and are breaking themselves over and over. That is not your problem.
It’s very hard loving yourself in a world that constantly reminds you of your imperfections. A rising culture of “blunt is your new best friend” threatens to stunt society’s communication skills. Whoever said "Honesty without tact [or compassion] is cruelty" hit the nail on the head; being direct is not the same as being blunt.
Recently, some scorned people close to me attacked me with verbal assaults. Literally, think of the worst possible traits a person could accuse you of being and imagine people you love hurling them at you. Every. Single. One. Right after your cat went missing, and the two year full time job hunt is already making you feel a bit like a loser. The only thing that got me through this dark head space was that glowing light in my heart.
I like myself, guys. I really do. I don’t think I’m perfect and you bet I know I’m annoying. But dang it, I try and that’s enough! Anyway, in an attempt to bully me out of not loving myself, my initial thoughts were: “I feel so sorry for these people. They really must not love themselves.” Irrationality can’t hurt the person who loves themselves enough to know what irrationality looks like. It's just not worth it to fixate on irrational, gloomy behavior of people who don't have your best interest in mind.
While I haven’t had the greatest track record of being well-liked or maintaining a completely untarnished reputation, I’ve managed to realize my self-worth. I do enough self evaluation and careful thought to know when someone is coming at me with a desire to help me understand how I can be better, or who is genuinely hurting but knows my intentions, and someone who hurts and therefore wants me to hurt more. I have friends who tell me when I’ve hurt them. You know what happens? We have a productive conversation about it without accusations.
I truly believe that when people tell you you don’t matter, what they’re actually telling you is that they don’t matter. However, once they've crossed over that line of self-loathing into hurting others, it's just not your problem to accept being attacked by them. Move on and let those who love you flock and block the haters out. Let the people who sincerely love you be the ones to criticize you. They’re the ones who do it because they want to see you succeed.
When you love yourself, you start having a clearer view of how you can be better. You get a better idea of what needs to be done in order to change your negative qualities. It’s possible to love yourself but dislike certain parts of yourself. But, you need positive reinforcement in order to enact change.
Say you’re critiquing someone’s essay. The best approach likely would be a sandwich method. “I love what you did here; here could use some work; oh, but this part is also really good.” Or, in putting a positive twist on a critique; “I gather with this sentence, you’re goal is to do blank. What if instead, you posed it this way? You did that really well up here, so I’m sure you could replicate something similar here.” People respond better to kindness not because we are sensitive babies. People respond better to kindness because our brain alerts us to identifying that person as non-threatening and trustworthy. It’s hard to trust what our brains find dangerous. Give yourself positive reinforcement.
When I started going to therapy for my depression back in 2015, I really was in a place where I didn’t love myself. I thought I was the world’s biggest failure. I saw why everyone loved my best friends, and how easy it was to dislike me. My therapist asked me to describe my best friend. I immediately lit up.
“Oh my gosh. She’s amazing! She’s kind, and funny and light. She’s always smiling and always optimistic! She’s also so much smarter than people realize.”
My therapist responded with, “How do you think she’d describe you?” I realized my friend would likely describe me a similar way. Then my therapist asked, “What would you say if you found out your best friend believed all the negative traits you believe about yourself, about herself?”
My heart lurched. The very thought of my friend thinking she was a failure, worthless, boring and obnoxious made me hurt. The best thing about this friend was how much she loved herself because it touched everything she touched. I realized she was so kind and happy because of that. She knew she deserved joy, and she fought for it until it was second nature.
When all is said and done, we really only have our own thoughts to deal with. Do we want these thoughts to be a prison of all the cruel ways the world and people in it have both shown and told us we are meaningless?
What if we were our own safe places? What if instead of grey skies, dead trees and unpromising wishing wells, our minds were filled with plush grass and waterfalls, constant encouragement and trees with sunlight peeking through? It’s a whole lot easier to get clarity in a place that’s welcoming and peaceful.
It’s easy to see our minds as haunted houses sitting on graveyards of distant memories. It’s easy to allow cold mist to fog our view, and walk through that house wondering why we are so sad and broken. To feel our souls on the verge of death, and touch old picture frames on the walls wondering why nothing good ever lasts. I’ve lived in that house, and I visit it sometimes, still. I creep along the old, creaky floorboards and fear what lies underneath. I sit in the dark rooms, after an attempt to turn on the light and instead watch it flicker, crack then break. I’ve gone up to that old grandfather clock in my head several times, knowing it needs fixing but not being able to locate the tools to get it ticking again. I look for those tools in all the wrong places. All that’s in that house are memories long gone and anxieties that may never come. The best tool for fixing that broken clock that gets us moving forward is pumping love back into our heart again. You’ve got to get your heart going.
Time can’t heal any wounds when it's stopped.
For me, picturing how those who I know love me describe me begins pushes me to reset that clock in my mind. If you can’t do that quite yet, remind yourself that there’s probably at least one person who’s made it clear that you matter to them.
Is there a person who checks in every once in a while? Is there a person in your routine who smiles or asks about your day? If there isn’t, start reaching out on your own. It is possible you isolate yourself after pushing people away. I hope this doesn’t feel like I’m blaming you for your situation. I’ve felt lonely and helpless, even with people shouting at me that they care. It's a lot harder to hear people telling you they love you when you’re buried deep in that dusty attic and you’ve locked all the windows and doors.
Loving yourself is quite bothersome to many. Loving yourself also weeds out those who will ultimately bring you hardship and distress. This is because when people don’t love themselves, they can’t see how anyone could love themselves.
So, they seek to out you for the con artist they think you are. Don’t let them win. Move along before they drive a wedge through your heart and push you to question your worth. People are crueler the darker their own hurting others out of self loathing becomes. A part of the reason I’m likely so optimistic in others’ intentions is because I typically have good intentions. This goes the same for people who hurt others; they assume everyone is just like them.
If you have a hard time growing your own seeds of self love, try writing yourself a love letter one day after getting some fresh air. Write down why your dog is so obsessed with you if you have a hard time coming up with stuff: “I feed them” can easily translate to “I am compassionate and giving, otherwise I wouldn’t even care about small animals and their livelihood.” Write yourself these love letters often. Accomplish something you can be proud of (even if that something is just getting out of bed and retrieving a glass of water).
After each job rejection, rejection from people I care about or rejection from the universe, I don’t allow myself to spend more than 24 hours wallowing in sadness. (At least... not two days in a row...). Instead, I remind myself I am capable and it’s a shame my strengths aren't shining through for those who rejected me to see. I remind myself that I am lovable. That’s the only way I can keep moving forward.
Some people are driven by a desire to prove others of their capabilities. Not only is that shallow, but these people end up bitter. I don’t associate bitterness with success, no matter how much money is involved. I’m driven by my own beating heart, reminding me that I am valuable. Do you have a beating heart? You're valuable, too.
The following link contains a list of free support hotlines for all kinds of issues: https://www.pleaselive.org/hotlines/
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